The LGO joke book
From the LGO Book of Lame Excuses"I missed the rehearsal because I was on a boat trip and got stuck on a sand bank"
This is true, the player in question was on the Waverly when they stuck on a sand bank in the Bristol Channel and had to wait for the tide to float them off.
A young lady playing cello stabbed herself with her bow. The following week she helped on percussion and hit herself in the eye with a drumstick. Thus leading to the following comment from the condustor (one of her schoolteachers):
" Is there nothing I can give you to do without injuring yourself?"
Definition of Accelerando - the conductor has just turned over two pages
At the start of an evening most woodwind players are quietly moistening their reeds.
What a pity trumpet players dont do the same with their mouthpieces?
Why do orchestras have so many string players?
That way you stand a better chance of one of them playing the right note!
Why do orchestras often have a piano?
Well you've got have something to put your beer mugs on.
Seen on a blues Singer's Headstone:
"Well! I didn't wake up this mornin'!"
What do you call a banjo player wearing a suit?
The defendant
What is the difference between an oboe player and a psychiatric patient?
The oboe player hasn't been caught yet!
From the LGO book of lame excuses:
Conductor: What you played was right but a bar late.
Player: Well, my colleague usually does the counting for me but he isn't here!
From the LGO book of lame excuses:
I've been practising and the first page is still at home.
(Nobody believed any of this especially the first three words!)
What can you do with a
rubber trumpet?
Join a rubber band!
From the LGO book of lame
excuses:
Player: 'I've just returned from Ireland
and my mind is still there!'
(How are things in Glochamara anyway?)
From the LGO book of lame
excuses:
Player: 'I only know the third
trumpet part here not the first trumpet part'
Conductor: 'But all three trumpets are in unison
here!'
What is the difference between a violin and a
viola?
About a fiver
Conductor to percussionist: 'Can't you read
music?'
Percussionist: 'Not enough to hurt my
playing!'
Who was that piccolo I saw you with last
night?
That was no piccolo that was my fife!
What is the difference between a cello and a
coffin?
The coffin has the corpse on the
inside.
From the LGO book of lame
excuses:
Conductor: I think that note should
have been a D.
Bassoon: I know, but my fingers
insisted it was an E!
From the LGO book of
excuses/lame/strings:
Conductor: Bring out that repeated note and keep
it going.
First Violin: If I do that I'll get repetitive
strain injury!
You rarely see a flautist taking a breath because they have a vast supply of air in their heads
How do you get a flute to play loudly?
Stretch it bit, bend it a bit, stick a
mouthpiece in it and pretend it's a trumpet!!
From the LGO book of lame
excuses:
Conductor: 'You came in a beat
late.'
Player: 'Well my foot said it was
the right place!'
One bass player to another during a
break:
'You know that great bit where we
go 'boom, boom, boom?'
Well at the same time there's a bloke up on stage singing 'Toreador,
toreador'
!
Why is a French horn regarded as
divine?
Because man blows into it and God only knows
what comes out!
How do you make sure your oboe wont get
stolen?
Put it in a clarinet case!
What's the difference between a violinist and
a dog?
A dog needs fleas to make it scratch!
Presto - Hurry up the bar closes in 10
minutes
Prestissimo - They're closing now!!!
What's a one-ba?
Half a Tuba
Would that an organ stop did exactly that!
What do call a trumpet player playing in
public?
Suicidal
Who is always last to arrive at a
party?
The viola players - they always come in
late
From the LGO book of lame
excuses:
I've got the wrong glasses on so I
can only see the music not the conductor!
(Note this excuse used the other
way round can also be used to excuse playing bum notes)
What does an oboist do if he swallows his
reed?
Plays muted trumpet!
Air -
- goes out of a clarinettist's mouth and
through his instrument
- goes out of a flautist's mouth and over
his instrument
- with a violinist goes in one ear and
out of the other
A minor second -
Two flutes playing in
unison
The definition of a conductor:
Someone who is able to follow many
people at once
What happens if you play the 'blues'
backwards?
You get out of prison, your dog comes back from
the dead, your wife returns and you get your job back
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
Because you get more matchsticks when you
cut it up
What is the best tool to use to tune a
violin?
A pair of wirecutters
Small wonder there is pollution when so much air has to pass through saxophones
The bass player hid one of the
percussionists' sticks during the interval.
When the percussionist returned and found he now only had one
stick, he leapt up and down for joy shouting
"At last! I've been promoted to conductor"
How does a clarinet player handle a difficult
passage?
He stops to change his reed!
Old trombonists never die, they only slide away
A lady returned a parrot to the pet shop
complaining it didn't talk.
The pet shop owner took out a double bass and started to play a
jazz solo, at which the parrot started talking with an extensive
vocabulary and eloquence.
When the lady asked why the bass cured the parrots silence,
the owner replied: 'everybody talks during the bass
solo'
What is the definition of a canon?
Two viola players playing the same
part
From the LGO book of lame
excuses:
Conductor: Go back to bar one.
French horn Player: My part doesn't have bar
numbers!
Perfect pitch:
Just the right consistency of
bitumen to tar and feather a conductor!
What is the purpose of the bell on a bass
clarinet?
To store the ashes in from the rest of the
instrument
How do you get a cello to play loudly?
Mark the music 'pp expressivo'
From the LGO book of lame
excuses:
Conductor: Try to make sure you put in that
rest at the beginning of the bar.
Musician: Well it's all a bit high
for me...
Conductor: Put the rest down an
octave then!
What is the difference between an oboe and an
onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe!
MUSIC:- A complex organisation of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience!!!